Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Should I cool it or should I blow? (¿Me frío o lo soplo?)
Should I stay or should I go now? (¿Me frío o lo soplo?)
If I go there will be trouble (Si me voy, va a haber peligro)
And if I stay there will be double (Si me quedo, es doble)
So you gotta let me know (Pero que tienes que decir)
Should I stay or should I go?-Should I Stay Or Should I Go? by The Clash

I spent Sunday afternoon at Cam and Jenna's apartment watching the 49ers game. I wasn't planning on going, but at the same time I had nothing better to do; besides contemplating making a fake Facebook account so I could look at Cara's Facebook page.

Yeah, I found that Sunday morning. From Jasmine's page, I found her sister Jocelyn. Since her page was public, I figured at the very least I could find Criscelle and go from there. Turns out I didn't have to. I found a Cara on Jocelyn's page with a picture of her and her baby Miguel that was at the Labor Day BBQ.

I was very shocked that Jocelyn was friends with the woman that, in Brandon's words, put her brother through hell. But nonetheless, I found her page. Unfortunately, it was private. The only thing I could see was a few profile pictures and her city. I flipped through her pictures. She was pretty, I couldn't really tell much else. They were mostly face shots of her or her holding her son.

I finally shut my laptop and aborted my plan. It hurt thinking how I confided in Jake about my miscarriage and he couldn't even tell me he thought he might have been a dad. I mean, I know it's weird to just bring up. Definitely not dating conversation, but I don't think I would have ever told him about my miscarriage if he didn't push me to. That was the perfect opportunity to open up and be honest to me. He chose not to. He made the same choice over and over again. I couldn't forgive that.

I know Jenna said forgiveness is for me and all that good stuff, but I wasn't ready to move on quite yet. I needed that resentment to keep me from falling back into Jake's arms because while I hated how he acted, I still loved him. I didn't know how to let that go.

So I pulled my hair up into a ponytail, put on my 9ers jersey, and headed to my brother's place. I just decided to take it day by day.

Thankfully, Cam didn't press for details about the break up like Rocky and Trevor. He just asked me how I was doing.

"Great." I lied, putting on a smile.

"Ok. Maybe you should be a little more selective about the next guy you date." He commented.

"What do you mean?" I asked him. Maybe Trevor told him what happened...

"I don't know. Seems like if you really liked him, you wouldn't be doing great right now. Take it easy on the dating and stuff until you find someone that you actually care about." He said.

When he turned his back, I gave him a dirty look. Jenna caught it, but didn't say anything. After the game was over, I went back to my townhome. Outside was a bouquet of lilies and a note. I hated flowers as gift. They just looked pretty and then died. How pointless. Why spend that kinda money on something that was dying? I would rather receive a potted plant, or food.

My name was on the note in Jake's hand writing. Although a dying gift was kinda appropriate considering the situation, I was sure that wasn't the reason behind Jake leaving the gift.  I should have thrown the note away, but I was too curious not to read it.

Lily,

I know you think flowers are overrated, so they were just to grab your attention and to let you know how much I'm thinking about you. When you're up to it, let me take you out to eat. Anywhere you want.

Love,

Jake.

P.S. I would have just left food, but I had no idea when you would be home. Give me a call when you're ready.

Part of me wanted to smile, call him immediately and go out that night, but the other part of me bitch slapped that part in the face. The two parts of me came together into a compromise. I picked up the flowers and went inside. I put them on the dining room table. I wasn't going to throw them out, but I was going to ignore them for the time being.

My brother's words weighed heavily on my mind. I wasn't great. I missed Jake like crazy, but I wasn't ready to deal with everything quite yet. At the very least, I hoped we could be friendly again. I just didn't know when I would stop being so angry and hurt.



Tuesday I finally got some relief at work. Kendal, the new guy, was able to pick up two of my patients. I remembered what Q(Quintin) told me about Kendal's lack of work experience, so I gave him two of my more easy going, simple patients. One was rehabbing for nerve blocks in his hand, the other had one more month of rehab on an ankle repair.

I stuck around with Kendal while I waited for my last appointment of the day. I would be done before lunch. I hid my observation of how he interacted with my former patients with getting to know you conversation. He was from El Paso. He moved out here for school and stayed out here when he got the job. He was telling me about how he still lived in Denton, with 3 other roommates, so he was looking for a new place.

I was telling him about Addison and how much I loved the area. I went into the same spiel Patrick and Lamar gave Sammy and me when we first moved in.

When his ankle repair patient went over to the treadmill, he asked how much I paid for rent . I explained to him how much Sammy and I paid and the different apartments we checked out before picking the townhome. The golf instructor I was rehabbing showed up for his appointment.

"Addison sounds nice. I'm still trying to get familiar with the Dallas area. Maybe if you have time you can show me around Addison?" Kendal suggested.

"Oh no. Barking up the wrong tree. She has a boyfriend." Robert, my patient, cut in.

I forced a smile, but didn't correct him. "Good morning. Ready to stretch? Or are we going to gossip like women?" I played off the discomfort of the mention of Jake with a joke. Robert complained in the past about how the women at the country club where he worked loved to gossip. He knew too many intimate details about members.

"Ready when you are." He laughed.

After I finished rehabbing with him, I went into the office to see if Sandra needed me before I left.

"I'm done for the day. Did you need any help with anything before I leave?" I asked her.

"No. I didn't get a chance to thank you for Saturday. I really appreciate you coming in and updating those charts for me."

"Not a problem. Did y'all enjoy the fair?" I asked.

"Yall?" Sandra asked, wrinkling up her nose. "I thought you were from out west."

"I am. I've just been here long enough."

She nodded. "My kids loved it. My bank account suffered, but it was worth it. My older daughter has fair day on Friday. She wants to go back with a group of kids. I don't know where she's getting the money from."

"Sounds like you can get some labor out of her around the house. That's how my dad did it when I wanted money." I smiled.

Sandra laughed. "Not a bad idea. The garage looks horrible..."

After I said goodbye to her and Jordan, I left. I didn't want to go home to and face the lilies sitting on my dining room table, so I decided to call Sammy, Rocky and Amber to see if anyone could do lunch. Sammy didn't answer, but Amber and Rocky both agreed. We made plans to meet up at Pei Wei.

I got a table for 3 and waited. Amber showed up first and we hugged before she sat down with me.

"So how's the family?" I asked her, as we browsed the menu.

"Hanging in there. I'm starting the count down. 3 more months till I'm done with school. I can't wait." Amber sighed.

"Yay!" I cheered, smiling at her. "You know if you need me to babysit or anything, let me know."

"We're good. It's hectic, but we have a routine. Especially now that Robbie is in head start. He's talking so much more. Being around other kids is really good for him."

"What's head start?" I asked.

"It's like an early development program for kids ages 3-5. Ethan told us about it. Then I found out there was a center at my school. I just assumed it was just daycare for parents going to school, but it caters to early childhood development and getting them ready for school. Right now he's only going 3 times a week, but it's been beneficial."

"I'm glad to hear it." I said, sincerely. It was nice to hear she was getting a break. My phone beeped. It was Rocky.

Rocky: On my way. Order the Kung Pao for me.

We got in line to order our food. I ordered Rocky's food and ordered lo mien and a mango Californian roll for myself. Amber ordered spicy chicken salad and a spring roll. We were waiting for our food when Rocky showed up.

"Hey ladies. Sorry I'm late." She said, sliding in the booth next to me.

"We're still waiting on food, so you're ok." Amber smiled.

Rocky eyed me as I took a sip of my drink. "So you're out and about. Is this a testament to how the break up is going?"

"Whatever. I've been crazy busy at work." I shrugged.

"But for real, how are you?" Rocky asked.

"I'm ok." I said, noncommittally.

"Are you going to go out to dinner with him?" Rocky asked, sipping sweet tea I got for her.

"That was your idea?" I sighed, annoyed. I thought she wanted us broken up. Why would she help him?

"No... he and Brandon were plotting, where I could overhear. I fell into their trap. He said he was planning to come up to your job so you would have to talk to him."

My eyes widened in shock. I couldn't believe he thought about doing that. I would've flipped out, then lost my job. Then flipped the fuck out again.

"I told him never, ever do that." Rocky added quickly after seeing my face. "He said he would never, he just wanted my advice. I told him to give you some space and that whatever he did, he needed to let you come to him when you're ready."

"That's all?" I asked, suspiciously. She knew food was my weakness. I wouldn't put it past her to exploit that.

"That's all. He came up with the rest. He was going to leave a gift card, but knew you would just use it for yourself."

Amber and I laughed. I really would. Then post pictures of it, just to be spiteful.

"So what happened?" Amber asked.

By the time I gave her the abbreviated version, our food was ready. Amber thought it over as we settled with our lunch.

"I agree with Rocky about talking to him, just cause I would wanna know. Aren't you at all curious about Cara?" Amber said.

My Facebook stalking said yes, but I wasn't going to cop to that, so I shrugged." A little."

Rocky stayed silent. Again.

"What the hell Rocky? Nothing to say?" I asked.

"You were the one that said you're tired of me telling you what to do." Rocky said.

"You can give your opinion without telling me what to do. It's not like I can't tell what you're thinking..."

"So you're reading minds now?" Rocky smirked while Amber smiled.

"I can tell that you think that I fucked up the relationship." I said.

Rocky sighed and put her fork down. "I said it before, you deserve better. Regardless of the reasoning behind it, Jake didn't treat you right. Neither did Ethan. The common factor is you." She pointed out.

I felt my cheeks burn with embarrassment.

"So yes, he was wrong, but you put up with it. I've told you about my mom's first husband, so when I heard about what Jake was doing and how you weren't talking to me or anyone else, that's where my mind went. Maybe it wouldn't have escalated that far, but the fact that you put up with any of it is mind boggling." Rocky said.

I nodded.

"I understand it. You know I do. I've been in your shoes with Will." Amber started. "Will and I were so young, and had kids too young. We weren't ready to be in a relationship, so we made mistakes. His happened to be cheating." She said. I looked up at her. How could she say it like it was no big deal? I was so angry about what Jake did.

"I knew everyone felt like I should have left him, you included, but I felt like I had to try for our kids. But when we decided to try again, I made a list of what I wanted in our relationship and he has met every one of them. That's why we're still together." Amber continued.

"Those expectations have nothing to do with him. They have to do with what you allow. You have to decide that and if he's not meeting it, cut him loose." Amber finished.

"I'm not saying to stay with him or dump him. I'm not even placing blame, because it would be on both of you. I'm just saying do whatever is best for you because you deserve that." Rocky added while Amber nodded.

After eating and saying goodbye, I headed to my apartment. I thought long and hard about what Amber and Rocky said. When Amber was dating Will and he cheated on her, I was team dump him. I never understood why Amber stuck around. I knew I wasn't just upset at Jake. I was upset at myself. Why did I put up with the way he was acting?

I didn't know. What I did know was that I wanted the truth, the whole truth about what happened between us. Then maybe I could understand better. The only person who could provide that was Jake. I knew I couldn't handle being around him yet. I picked up my phone and found Jake's number.

"Hello?" He answered immediately.

"Hey Jake. I got your gift." I responded.

"So... what do you think?" He asked.

"I think... it's too soon." I said, simply.

"Ok. I understand." He said. I could hear the disappointment in his voice. It made me sad, but I stuck by my decision.

"By the time you get done saving up, I should be ready." I added, anxiously.

"Saving up?" He asked.

"You said anywhere, so I will be finding the most expensive restaurant."

Jake chuckled. "I would expect nothing less."

I smiled. "Ok Jake. I gotta go."

"Cari- um, Lily?"

"Yeah?" I said. I pushed away my disappointment of him refusing to call me Cariño.

"I can dip into my savings. I don't need to save for long, ok?" Jake added, questioningly.

"Ok."