Like a Fool

***Sorry it's later than normal. Had too much fun watching the Cowboys beat the Texans yesterday. I proofread quickly this morning, and will be editing throughout the day. Please excuse the mistakes. If I see them, I will fix them!***

"We finally find this then you're gone
Been chasin' rainbows all along
And you have cursed me when there's no one left to blame
And I have loved you just the same
And you have broken every single fucking rule
And I have loved you like a fool" -Like a Fool by Keira Knightley 

I ignored my phone ringing as I drove home from Jake's dad's house. I knew by now Stephanie told Jake I was there and left. I wasn't ready to talk to him. I was too pissed and afraid. I was scared if I did speak to him, I would cave and go back. So I figured I would put my phone on silent and ignore it for the evening.

I didn't want to be home if Jake decided to confront me about leaving, so I went for a run to clear my mind after I got home and changed.

I didn't need to worry about Jake trying to confront me. The call on the way home was the only thing I received from him. Jasmine tried to call, text and Facebook message me. By Wednesday morning, I was upset and disappointed that he didn't try harder to get in touch with me, but not really surprised. He was probably punishing me and waiting for me to grovel at his feet. God knows I've done it before.

I pushed away my feelings of hurt and let it fuel my anger. I was done with Jake. If there was any doubt, his lack of concern just confirmed everything Omar said. He couldn't even be bothered to figure out why I left. Part of me understood that it was his birthday, and maybe it was unrealistic to believe he would come after me, but I knew without a doubt I would have for him. That made me feel like a fucking fool.

Thinking of how I chased after, pleaded with and cried over him made me feel even more pathetic. I was one of those girls I made fun of, who put up with bullshit for a guy and the promise of love. I tried so fucking hard to keep him happy and be the perfect girlfriend. If he truly did love me, would I have needed to try so hard? At this point, I wasn't even sure if Jake had really loved me, but even if he did, it wasn't worth it.

I couldn't think about how easily I was willing to change for him, so I focused on my anger. I didn't want to see the birthday pictures he was tagged in or anything about him, so I blocked him from my news feed. Then I changed my relationship status to single.

I knew after I did that, it would be over. I also knew I was being immature and petty, but oh fucking well. I thought it was perfect. He asked me out on Facebook (which I was now seeing as a controlling move). Why not end it that way too?

I went to work Wednesday and worked my hectic schedule. I was grateful to be so busy. I had no time to think about Jake. I noticed the humor that I was busy because I was trying to get to Jake's birthday party, which led to us breaking up, and me needing the distraction. Or maybe I was just trying to smile to keep from crying. Who knows? I certainly didn't. Nor was I trying to wonder about it or Jake at all.

Jordan asked me what was going on when she came to see me on her lunch. She noticed the change of my status on Facebook. I just told her we weren't working out.

"You broke up with him on his birthday?" Jordan asked, surprised.

I shrugged. "He still got a present." I said, lightly, trying to pretend it was no big deal.

The watch was another reason I felt fucking stupid. I had "I want you to be mine." engraved on the watch, as homage to our first date and the first night we spent together. I remembered how sweet the words were and how special they made me feel. I wanted him to feel the same. Now the watch was just a expensive reminder of how desperate I was to believe those words were genuine, even though he lied about what he said. I knew guys would say anything to guarantee them some ass. Why did I fall for that?

Jordan gave me a disapproving look.

"Technically I broke up with him today if that makes you feel better." I added.

Jordan nodded. "If that's what you want."

"It is." I said, convincingly, trying to convince her and reassure myself.



A quick glance at my phone as I left the clinic let me know the Facebook thing probably wasn't the best idea. I had texts from almost everyone on my contact list asking what was going on. I didn't reply to any of them. I just threw my phone in my purse and drove home.

I was so deep in my thoughts about what I was going to tell everyone about the break up, I didn't even notice Jake's SUV parked outside in the parking lot. I tried so hard to keep it together as we talked, but when he tried to grab me, with the hand that was wearing the watch, I snapped. The watch just reminded me how easily I was fooled by him and I didn't need him touching me and making me forget that.

After our confrontation, I raced into my townhome. I shut the door and took a deep breath, willing the tears to go away. I couldn't think about how upset he looked or how he pleaded with me. I thought about every time he ignored, embarrassed, controlled or manipulated me. My tears dried up as I leaned against the door.  I pulled out my phone and sent a group text to everyone who texted me about the break up.

It read:

Me: Hey. No drama. It just wasn't working out. I'm fine.

I sent another message to Jasmine. Only because she'd been trying to reach out to me the most. I felt like she tried to warn me to press the issue about his ex. I appreciated her and even though Jake and I were done, I wanted her to know that.

Me: Jake and I broke up. Thank you for all your help. We tried, it just didn't work.

She wrote back right away.

Jasmine: I figured. Is there any way you can give him another chance? He doesn't even know what he did. You should talk to him instead of running away.

I sighed. Texting her was starting to feel like a huge mistake.

Me: I did talk to him. I don't see us being together so there's no point in another chance.

Jasmine: ok Lily. Good luck with everything.

Me: You too.

As I changed into my workout clothes, I was a little disheartened by Jasmine's reply. I understood it. How awkward would it be if we remained friends when I couldn't even be in the same room with her brother, but it still was upsetting. I put on my headphones and went for run.

----------------

The rest of the week, I continued to feed of my anger. Not sure who said it, but it's been said the best revenge was living well. So that's what I was going to do. I focused on bettering myself. I worked hard at work, going above and beyond with my patients and co-workers. I even volunteered to come in the clinic Saturday so Sandra could take her kids to the fair. I suggested it to her when I asked her how she liked Dallas so far. She replied that they haven't had much time to explore while things were still crazy at the clinic and her new house. She was so thankful when I told her I would come into the clinic, even though I was just on call.

I went home everyday day, jogged to the grocery store, and picked up ingredients for dinner. I tried new recipes that my aunt had sent me and interesting finds on Pinterest. Another benefit of staying busy was not having time to think about Jake. The only time I thought about him was at night.

I broke down and listened to the voicemails and read the texts he sent. They all said the same thing. That he needed to talk to me so he could explain everything. That he missed me. He left me a long message telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me. That's what finally encouraged me to download a block number app.

Friday night, Sammy and I went shopping together. She was chatting about a gig she was working this weekend at a rooftop bar. She tried to broach the "Jake" subject numerous time all week, but I cut her off. I didn't wanna talk about him. At all. I followed her around, trying on stuff but buying nothing. She informed me she had plans and we headed back to the apartment. I wasn't complaining. I had to be at work in the morning anyway.



Saturday morning, I was alone at the clinic. I logged on Facebook. Like a moth drawn to a flame, I checked out Jake's page. Nothing recent but birthday wishes. I did something I never did: searched his friend's list. I typed in Cara. A girl popped up, but she wasn't in Georgia. And didn't look related to Criscelle or have pictures of a baby, so I ruled her out.

I went on Jasmine page and search too. Nothing. I wished I knew her last name. I know I didn't care about Cara while Jake and I were dating, but after what I heard from Omar, I was insanely curious about her. I wanted to know what she looked like, what she did, if we had anything in common, besides Jake. Urgh, I shouldn't care, but I did. I knew it wouldn't change anything, but I still wanted to know.

"Mornin!"Quintin greeted as he came into the office.

"Hey, good morning." I said, after I looked up and snuck my phone back in my purse.

"Where's Sandra?" He asked.

"I'm Sandra today. I told her I would watch over the clinic so she could take her kids to the fair." I informed him.

He nodded. "Nice. I have an appointment in an hour. I'm gonna get a work out in before my patient gets here."

"Cool." I smiled.

"The new guy should be here too. I told him he could shadow me." Quintin added

"I thought we weren't shadowing anymore." I said, confused.

Quintin rolled his eyes. "This kid just got licensed. It's his first job ever. He needs to shadow."

I nodded, understandably.

My Saturday at the clinic was long and boring. I did meet Kendall, the new guy. I was looking forward to food and my bed when I got home. I was surprised instead by Rocky, Sammy and Trevor all in the den.

"Hey..." I said, worriedly. I knew they weren't there just because they were in the neighborhood. "What's up?"

"You are. I called them here because you need to snap out of it. You're like a cold, emotionless freaking robot and I can't handle it." Sammy started.

"Contrary to popular belief, I don't need to be handled." I replied. "And if I remember correctly, you couldn't handle it when I was upset about Ethan. I would think you would be glad I'm a robot." I reminded her.

"Yeah, that's why I called them. Good luck." Sammy said, before grabbing her Honey B outfit and leaving.

Trevor motioned me to the couch. I stood, defiantly.

"Do you wanna talk?" Rocky asked, watching me concerned.

"No. So will you leave?" I asked.

"You need to talk. If you did, we would have been able to help you." Trevor said.

I stood there, silent.

"Who broke up with who?" Rocky asked.

I stayed silent.

"Why did y'all break up? And not the generic stuff you sent before. What happened?" Trevor questioned next.

Crickets.

"Well fine, I'll talk. I'm not upset that you two broke up. It was a long time coming." Rocky commented and that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

"You don't think I know that? Do you really think I wanna hear I told you so? I get it. I was an idiot. Everyone saw it but me. Is that what you wanna hear? You were fucking right Rocky. Are you happy?" I said, tears streaming down my face.

Trevor got up to lead me to the couch next to Rocky. He sat on the other side of Rocky. I put my head down.

"Ready to talk now?" Rocky asked.

"I was so desperate and needy and just... foolish. I fell for everything. I listened to everything he said. It was all a lie." I cried.

"What happened?" Trevor asked firmly.

I explained to them what I heard Omar and Jake saying about me.

"So I'm just a do over from the girl that put him through hell. I'm sure it was therapeutic for him putting me through hell. I never even questioned what he told me. What the fuck is wrong with me?" I asked dejectedly.

"There's nothing wrong with you. He took advantage of you." Trevor reassured me.

 Rocky said nothing. Her silence said more to me than anything anyone could say. There was something wrong with me. Naivety was probably the first thing.

"You need to confront him and get him to admit the truth." Rocky recommended.

"No, I don't. Besides, I tried. I asked him about her. He had nothing to say. Nothing! Now, after he has had time to think about it, he wants to talk. I don't want to talk to him. I just want him out my life!" I proclaimed.

"I've been where you are. With Bilal. And it doesn't work like that." Rocky told me.

"As soon as you talk to Bilal, I'll talk to Jake." I countered. She had nothing to say to that.

"Next time y'all stage an intervention, can you bring snacks? This was very half assed." I joked, trying to ease some tension.

Trevor smiled at me. "I figured you'd have that covered. Want me to go pick something up?"

"No. I have the ingredients for broccoli, rice, and cheese casserole. You're welcomed to stay. If we can move on to a more pleasant topic, like the Ebola outbreak in Dallas." I said, standing up to head to my room.

Trevor laughed while Rocky shook her head.

After a quick shower, I went downstairs and we made dinner together. Well, Rocky and I did, fussing over our respective family recipes. Trevor got placed on salad duty. The salad took him as long to make as the casserole. We took our plates and glasses of white wine and ate in front of the TV. We put on "This is the End". It seemed appropriate considering all the panic doomsday talk and Seth Rogen had the ability to make me smile no matter what. James Franco was a nice little bonus too.

Rocky left around 9pm. I saw her and Trevor exchanged looks before she left. I wasn't even concerned about them. They were probably making sure I didn't lose it, but I was ok.

We watched "The Neighbors" next. Trevor saw it at the movie theater, but I hadn't seen it yet.

"Stop it!" I demanded, laughing at a funny scene in the movie.

"What?" He asked, laughing too.

"Every time something funny is about to happen, you look over at me. So I know something is coming." I smiled at him.

"You're supposed to be watching the movie not me."

"It's called peripheral vision Trevor. As a ninja, I'm always on high alert." I kidded with him.

"Oh, so you already know what you're gonna be for Halloween?" He smiled.

I laughed. "I don't know. You think Amber is having a party this year?" I asked.

"I don't see why not." Trevor answered.

Amber loved Halloween. She invited everyone over for a party. It normally had a theme and her family always coordinate costumes. I was so excited to see what she would do this year.

"We should push for a frat house themed party. Like old school frats. Hazing can be party games." I grinned at Trevor after the movie ended.

Trevor nodded. "Yes! Let's do it! Even if it's for our birthday instead."

Trevor's and my birthday are a week apart. We always celebrated together. Sadness hit me as I remembered just a week ago, Jake and I were planning our second vacation. I got pissed all over again thinking about how stupid I was.

"Lily? What's wrong?" Trevor asked.

I shook my head. I had to watch my thoughts around Trevor. He had the ability to read my expressions and moods.

"Nothing. How cute would the girls look in togas? And Robbie with a beer can hat?" I smiled.

"Hilarious, but we both know Will would never go for that."

"He sucks. Maybe we can not invite him." I pondered.

Trevor laughed at me. "Good luck with that."

I laughed. I was so glad Trevor ambushed me with Rocky. It was just easy with him. He automatically made me feel better.