Find Out Who Your Friends Are

"You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who your friends are"- Find Out Who Your Friends Are by Tracy Lawrence  ft  Tim McGraw & Kenny Chesney

Rocky: Sure. What's up?

Me: It's been almost a month since breaking up with Jake and I don't feel any better than the day it happened.

Rocky: On my way.

Not even 20 minutes later, Rocky arrived. I let her in.

"How have you been feeling about the breakup?" She asked.

"Name it and I've felt it." I answered truthfully.

"Ok. How do you feel right now?"

"Guilty. Jenna invited me over and tried to give me advice. I was a bitch to her. I feel like I shouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning." I admitted.

Rocky shrugged. "Then go back to bed. C'mon. "

She led me upstairs to my room. I laid down and she sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard. She looked at my phone in distaste.

"What are you listening to?" She asked. Blake's playlist was still on.

"Just some new music."

"No wonder you don't wanna get out of bed. Depressing ass country music..."

"Shut up. It's not all depressing." I said, smiling, as I turned it off.

"What happened with Jenna?" Rocky asked.

"Basically, she said that I sabotage myself because of my self image, which has been majorly fucked up by my parents." I started. Rocky nodded, understandingly. "I told her she wasn't family or my psychologist, so fuck off."

Rocky's eyes widened. "Please tell me you did not say that..."

"I said it nicer than that... but pretty much."

"Was Cam there?"

"No, but I suspect as soon as she tells him he's not gonna be real happy with me."

"Talk about an understatement. So basically, she told you about yourself and you got mad?" Rocky summed it up nicely.

I glared at her.

"Don't look at me like that. On some level you know she's right. If it wasn't true, I don't think you would have gotten so defensive." Rocky said.

I sighed. "I know I have issues. I thought the same thing when Jake explained his behavior to me."

"What was his explanation?" Rocky said, suspiciously.

I told Rocky what Jake told me about his history with Cara.

"I just wish he would have told me sooner. I wouldn't have judged him. Maybe I'm naive, but I believe him when he said he was acting out of fear and insecurity." I finished.

"Maybe it would have made a difference, maybe it wouldn't have. Only time will tell how he truly is." Rocky said, diplomatically.

I nodded. "Even if he's not really like that, I just feel like we weren't even together that long for me to put up with it or for me to be so confused and hurt over it."

"It doesn't take long to inflict pain on someone, it doesn't matter how long you were together. What are you confused about? Breaking up with him? Because you don't deserve to put up with it, regardless of his reasons." Rocky said.

"Breaking up was the right thing to do. It just took our relationship for me to realize how... lost I am. I know now that I wasn't ready for a relationship. I'm just scared..." I stopped when the tears threatened to come. Rocky waited patiently.

I took a deep breath and continued. "I'm terrified of being alone. I know that's weak and pathetic, but I would have changed to be what he wanted just so I wouldn't be alone."

Rocky glared at me. "Lily, why would you ever think that? You don't need to change anything about yourself. I'd rather be alone and happy than miserable with someone else."

"That's it though, I wasn't alone and happy. Jake is the only person who knows everything about me and he still wanted to be with me. That made me happy. I might never find that again." My tears came freely now.

"Lily, is this about your mom? Her actions have nothing to do with you as a person. She missed out. That's on her."

"It's not just that, but my mom did raise me til I was 4, then she just... left. How could she just do that? What did she see that made it so easy for her to leave me?" I questioned, crying.

"Lily!" Rocky said, firmly. "You don't know what she was thinking. There's no way you can put yourself in her shoes and try to make sense of it-"

"I can." I interrupted her. "I wasn't with Ethan. I had just finished school. I was just learning to take care of myself. I wasn't ready for a baby, but I wanted mine." I sobbed into my hands.

The only sound in the room for a minute was my sobs.

"That's why you went to California? You were pregnant?" Rocky asked, quietly.

I shook my head. "No. I didn't know until after I moved. I didn't know until I miscarried."

"You told Jake." She said, more like a statement than a question.

I nodded, my sobs subsiding.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Rocky asked sadly.

"Cause I felt so guilty for so long, I was ashamed and hurt. By the time I got past my grief, I just wanted to move on."

"I understand wanting to move on, but you haven't." Rocky replied.

"Maybe not, but I'm getting there. With Jake, he didn't judge me. He just told me he was sorry for my loss and that it didn't change anything between us."

"And did it?" Rocky asked.

I shook my head no.

"It shouldn't have. Nor does it give him free pass to treat you however he wanted. That's not how love works. He should accept you for who you are, flaws and all."

I mulled that over, biting my lip.

"Look at me Lily." Rocky commanded. I did, wiping my face. "Your past does shape you into the person that you are. There comes a point when you have to stop looking at the past and focus on the present. You can't change it, but you can learn and grow from it. You don't ever have to worry about being alone. You have too many people who love you for that to happen."

I nodded again, giving her a weak smile. "Are you saying you love me? In a non romantic way?"

Rocky smirked and threw her arms around me, hugging me tightly. I hugged her back, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulder.



The heaviness I had been carrying faded away after my talk with Rocky. Yes, I still missed Jake and yes, I still had feelings for him. I just no longer felt overwhelming sadness, anger or dread when I thought about him. Maybe we didn't work out. Maybe it was an epic failure, but I didn't regret us being together. At the very least, we tried. We learned from it. I knew I couldn't make the same mistakes in my next relationship, so I wouldn't. I hope he did the same.

I called to apologize to Jenna on Monday after work. She was so cool about the whole thing, it made me feel even worse. She reiterated the fact that she was here for me, whenever I needed her.  I informed her I had no intentions of sabotaging anymore relationships and thanked her for the advice.

Blake had been texting me all week. Random things, like rubbing the Cowboy's record in my face or sending me more songs to listen to. We chatted but I didn't feel a need to have him around like I did at the fair. I decided I was going to enjoying being single for a while. I know, I've been single for majority of my adult life, but I never really enjoyed it. I wanted to for now.

Wednesday after work, I headed to Rocky's house. During my Facebook chat with Megan, I learned EJ was doing a fundraiser for his school. The deadline was Friday and Megan was selling through her coworkers. I told her I would buy some items if she got the book to me. Ethan was going to have it when he picked EJ up. Which was perfect, I needed to talk to Ethan anyway.

When I got there, Brandon and Ethan were in the kitchen while EJ played on the PlayStation in the living room.

"Hey everyone!" I said. I just waved at EJ. I knew better than to interrupt him during his game.

"Hey Lily. How's it going?" Brandon asked me, grinning.

"It's going good. How are you?" I said, smiling.

"Good." He nodded.

"Ethan." I said, giving him a hug. "Thank you for bringing the fundraiser." I said as I pulled away.

"No problem." He said, handing it over to me.

I flipped through the book and picked out gifts for my coworkers. Ethan watched me as I ordered 8 items.

"Lily, that's too much." He said.

"No it's not. It's just enough. EJ wanted to sell 50 items right?"

"Yes!!! I'm gonna get 9 prizes!" EJ cheered.

"He did, but he only sold 42." Ethan countered. "What do you say EJ?"

"Thank you Lily." He said, taking a pause from the game.

"You're welcome. He just sold 51." I said, pulling out my check book to write a check. I added a box of chocolate for myself.  "Anyway, this just saved me a lot of time. I just did all my Christmas shopping for my coworkers."

"I hate Christmas!!!" Brandon groaned. "We had an 80,000 piece truck because of Christmas merchandise."

"We don't understand Target speak." Ethan responded, clearly uninterested.

"Big ass truck! Got it?" Brandon cleared up. EJ and I laughed.

"Language." Ethan said, stone faced.

"I need to talk to you about something Ethan." I said.

"Can you excuse us Brandon?" Ethan asked him.

Brandon sighed.

"You don't have to go anywhere. It's about EJ. In fact, you can help me out. What do you think about Corey?" I asked Brandon.

"The dude Sammy's dating? He seems alright I guess." Brandon answered.

"He's friends with Jordan. He plays drums and offered to give EJ lessons." I explained.

"I'll think about it." Ethan responded, flatly.

"Really think about it. Megan and I were talking about it..." I said.

"Really?" Ethan asked.

"Yep. We're BFFL now." I lied. "And we both think it would be beneficial and educational and all that good stuff..." I tried to explain while Brandon laughed at me.

Ethan smiled, and I couldn't help laughing too. "Fine, I'm lying. Just let him have the lessons!"

"I will think about it. He needs to focus on his school work right now." Ethan answered.

"Maybe it could be incentive to do well in school..."

"No. He needs to do well because that's what he is supposed to do. End of discussion."

I sighed but bit my tongue.

"I'm serious Lily. Don't go against me on this." Ethan said.

"Fine." I muttered.

"Was I helpful?" Brandon teased me.

"Shut it Brandon." I said, gathering my things to leave.

"Before you leave, I have something to ask you too." Ethan said.

"Ok. Go away Brandon." I smirked at him.

"No, I actually wanna hear this one." He smiled.

My interest peaked then.

"My mom is planning a get together to celebrate my promotion. We were working on the guest list. She would like to invite you and Jake." Ethan said.

I looked over at Brandon. He was watching me, expectantly.

I turned back to Ethan. "That will not be a problem for me. Jake doesn't wanna see me, so you might wanna consider that-"

"Who told you that?" Brandon interrupted me.

"He did, when he blocked me on Facebook." I answered. And Rocky...

"It won't be a problem for him." Brandon added.

"Fantastic. I'll see y'all later. Bye EJ!" I said, before heading out.

"Lily. Wait up."

 I heard Ethan call after me as I walked out the door.

"I'm serious about Jake. I really want you to be there. If him being there is a problem-"

"It's not." I cut Ethan off. "I will be there and on my best behavior. I promise." I smiled.

He smirked.

I smiled at Rocky as I looked up and saw her make her way up the driveway.

"Hey Lily." She said, cutting her eyes at Ethan.

"Hey Rocky, I'm on my way home. Bye" I told her.

"Bye Lily. Ethan." Rocky said, sharply, before going in the house.

Ethan looked at me, puzzled. I shrugged.

"Rough day." I suggested.

Ethan nodded. "Drive safe."

"You too."



Thursday, my brother called me to see if I could meet him for lunch. I agreed. Sandra was actually with Ann, our HR manager, interviewing a new therapist. So after my last appointment before lunch, I skipped my charts and took an extra long lunch.

I went up to my brother's work. I stopped by Trevor's cubicle before heading to his office. Thankfully, he wasn't there. I covered his desk, computer, chair and keyboard with sticky notes. His co-worker nicely gave me some. Trevor called and checked on me frequently all week. I told him I was fine. I figured reigniting the prank war would get him to stop babying me.

Most of the sticky notes were blank. On a few I wrote remarks including: #Prank War, LOSER, PUNK, LAME. Nothing too scandalous or inappropriate for at work. My pride was a crude little stick figure drawing of a guy getting kicked in the ass. I put that one right in the middle of his computer screen. I then made my way over to Cam's office.

I could see him through the glass window so I tapped on it. He looked up and waved me in. I opened the door and joined him.

"Do you know why I asked you here?" He asked, after inviting me to sit.

"Um, not really." I squirmed. I had an idea...

"Jenna told me what you said Sunday." He said, seriously.

I sighed. "I'm really sorry. I apologized to Jenna. I just lashed out cause it was hard to hear the truth." I explained as he pulled out something out from his desk. He put a small black box in front of me. I stopped, shocked as he opened it to reveal a beautiful engagement ring.

"I wanted you to be the first one to know I'm planning on making her family soon." Cam smiled at me. "So you're going to have to come up with a better comeback."

"OH MY GOD!!!" I shrieked as I rushed over to give him a hug. "How are you gonna ask?" I said, excitedly.

"Fuck if I know. It took a month just to pick out the ring." He said, sheepishly,

"You did a great job. It's beautiful-"

We were distracted by a uproar outside the office. When I heard Trevor's voice, I knew he discovered my prank.

"What in the-" Cam started, heading towards the door. I followed him. When Trevor saw me at the door, he pointed at me.

"You're dead!"

I laughed. "Can you wait till after my brother's marriage? Then I can die happy."

"You're engaged?" Trevor asked Cam, grinning.

"Soon, if she says yes." Cam said.

"You know she will." I smiled at him.

"Well, hurry up. Your sister is on borrowed time." He grinned at us.

"Still not scared Trevor." I taunted him.