Can't be Friends (Ethan's POV)

****As requested, Ethan's POV. Thank you Nicole for reading, commenting and the request!


"Ain't no telling what we could have been
And if I knew it would end like this,
I never would have kissed ya, 'cause I fell in love with ya,
We never would've kicked it, girl now everything's different
I lost my only lover and my friend that's why I wished we never did it
And I wish we never loved it
And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now ain't no way we can be friends."- Can't be Friends by Trey Songz



I don't dwell on my regrets. It's a waste of time and my time is limited as is. I plan everything out. I don't make many mistakes, but when I do, I correct them, and proceed. And I never worry about it again.

I read through the email on my laptop Wednesday night. My contract for partner was being drawn up. If all went well, I would be signing it in October. I had to stop and remind myself what a big accomplishment that was. I had been working non-stop for 8 years now. It was finally paying off. Work had always been my focus.

Even when Megan got pregnant, I didn't skip a beat. I should have known something was up when she came to visit me on winter break. She didn't feel comfortable coming to see me at Prairie View A&M. I didn't blame her. I don't think any other interracial relationship was as taboo as a white woman and a black man. At home in McKinney, if anyone thought anything about it, they kept it to themselves. That was not the case on campus. We actually had a disagreement because Megan didn't think I stood up for her. She was right. I didn't. Because who cared what they thought?  They weren't grading my papers or signing my checks, so why give them the time of day?

After I told Megan that, she decided she would just see me when I came home. It took Lily expressing her dislike of my attitude on July 4th to fix that mistake. I know now I have to consider the feelings of the woman I'm with, but Megan just went with it, so I didn't think I had anything to correct.

We did argue about how I didn't make an effort to see her more. I told her that maintaining a relationship was never my priority. Getting through school, getting a job and working my way to the top would always be my main goal. She must have accepted it, cause she stayed with me. That was a mistake. If I wasn't committed, I should have ended it. But when she found out she was pregnant, I told her I'd support whatever decision she made. She stuck by me, so I would do the same for her.

When she decided she wanted to keep our baby, I instantly started making new plans. I went home with her and outlined the plan to our parents. I would finish up my last semester at Prairie View and internship in Houston while she stayed with her parents. Her due date was in July, so I would be home, hopefully with a job, before the baby came. Megan wasn't particularly thrilled with the plan. I would be missing most of her pregnancy. A fact that she threw in my face throughout the rest of our relationship. Even though that caused a huge rift that we could never repair, I didn't regret it. I did what I had to do. I graduated, with honors, and a guaranteed job in Dallas. All before my namesake entered the world.

I never regretted my son either. He wasn't part of my plan, but the second I laid eyes on him, I knew he would always be my number one priority. He would always be my responsibility and I would do anything and everything for him. Even if that included working 7 days a week, 10+ hour days, I would do that for him and for our family.

That wasn't a mistake. Ignoring Megan's needs was. I knew she was unhappy, but I needed her to hold on a little longer until I could secure myself a better position at a bigger firm. I did that. I used the money from my signing bonus to buy her a ring. I proposed to her on EJ's 3rd birthday in front of all our family and friends. I figured the ring would make up for my neglect and it did for a while.

She spent months planning the wedding, but the more extravagant it got, the more I wanted to hold off. Why spend all that money on a wedding when we could be buying our dream home? We lived in her grandmother's old rental. We had already bought it from her, but I never saw us living there permanently. She stopped planning the wedding and focused on finding us a home instead.

By the time we moved to Carrollton, EJ was 4 and started preK. She started planning the wedding again. Now I openly criticized the amount of money she wanted to spend. She made comments about how I worked enough, so we should be able to afford it. I told her I worked for our future, not for one event.

I really don't regret shutting down her wedding plans. I would have hated to pay that money just to end up divorced. Megan told me in one of the many conversations we had after she cheated on me, that she focused on the wedding to distract herself from how unhappy she was. She got a job through at a temp agency to spite me and pay for the wedding herself. I told her I gave her three months. I suspected she lasted longer because she met Cam through the job and it gave her a perfect opportunity to cheat on me without me suspecting a thing.

I learnt the hard way about ignoring my gut. I knew something was up. She did a 180° overnight, but we weren't arguing as much and she was happy, so I ignored the signs. Until it was thrown in my face in my son's hospital room. He was diagnosed with asthma the same day my relationship flat lined.

I didn't regret our relationship ending. It needed to. It stopped working a long time ago. I couldn't even regret how it ended, cause that was how Lily came into our lives. Like I said, EJ was my number one priority and I know he wouldn't have gotten through that hard time unscathed without Lily. She was familiar and stable while everything else was changing. That's what made me decide to let Lily back in his life. It was hard for me, but EJ's feelings came first. So I couldn't regret letting her into our lives. The only thing I did regret was letting my emotions rule me when it came to Lily.

I was never that person. I am practical. I used logic to make decisions. I don't know what I was thinking when I started hanging out with her. I knew what I was feeling. Freedom and escape. When I was with her, it was easy. She didn't press me for any information. She wasn't always asking me how I was doing. The first couple of conversations were all about EJ. Logic would have told me to stay away, but I was drawn in.

Where my logic failed me, my wisdom should have stepped up. I knew casual sex never worked out. That's why I didn't engage in one night stands and sleeping around. They weren't worth the trouble. But when she told me she wanted to be my rebound, I couldn't say no. I was so attracted to her, and not just physically. Don't get me wrong, physically was enough. I was curious to see what she looked like under her loose fitting clothing. It was better than I imagined. And I imagined all the time after we kissed at Dave and Buster's, but I liked her personality. She managed to be focused and driven when it came to her career, but also quick to smile and carefree. I admired that. It was something I never was. She had a quick wit and a smart mouth. I normally didn't find that type of humor funny, but she was playful so I enjoyed it. We opened up to each other after we started having sex. By then, not only was I drawn in, I was trapped.

When I felt trapped, I should have exercised patience. I'm a patient man, especially when it came to getting what I wanted, but I acted impulsively. I just saw myself with her. I could see our future. I saw the love she gave my son. I saw the way she looked at me. I just knew she wanted to be with me too. The thought that she wanted to stick to the original arrangement never crossed my mind. Even if she wanted more too, I should have recognized it was too soon. I should have made a plan and gave our relationship time to grow, but I didn't. In my haste, I scared her off. So much so that she didn't even wanna talk to me.

So I had 2 years to live with regret and rejection. When she came back, I promised myself I wouldn't let my emotions rule me again. And I kept that promise, until the BBQ at my parents' house. When she ran out after calling me a dick, I followed her. Karen was not pleased with that. I felt bad because we had planned to tell my family about our relationship that weekend, but after Karen's behavior, I knew ending things was the right thing to do. Even if I didn't still have feelings for Lily. But I did. They were as strong as when she left. Maybe even stronger now. And I couldn't let her leave without knowing if she was ready to be with me too. I had to talk to her.

But when she told me she didn't even wanna talk, I lost it. It just brought up all the feelings of regret, of mistakes and the pain of rejection. And I didn't regain control until she started crying, but by then, I knew I couldn't be with her. She made me lose control. I detached myself and ended things. I didn't question my decision until my dad spoke to me.

"Son, you've always been headstrong. I'm proud that you made yourself a living. But now you need a life." He said.

"I have a life. My son is my life." I answered.

"I love all my kids, but y'all are not my life. Kids leave. That's what they're supposed to do if you raise them right. Your mom is my life and I'm worried you'll never know what real love feels like cause you're too stubborn to let it happen."

That stayed with me that whole weekend. Even I have to admit I never put anyone else's feelings over my own. I just expected others to go along with the program, and if they didn't, they could leave. But I realized I didn't want Lily to leave. That's what I wanted to explain to her at her housewarming.

I also realized that night that I was so caught up in sorting out my feelings and everything that was going on in my life back then, I didn't even take the opportunity to get to know her better. So I agreed to be friends with her and wait to see if something would come out of that. Just us. No other factors.

But the partner opportunity came up and I focused on that. I knew if I made partner, I would be content. I would be exactly where I wanted to be and I could focus on getting Lily back. The thought that she might move on did occur to me, but I knew she wouldn't get serious with anyone right away and I would have time to state my intentions before she ever did.

When I saw her with Forrest, I asked Brandon right away if Lily was dating. He danced around the question, asking why I was asking. I thought he was trying to rub it in that he was right. I was regretting not being with her. Now I know it was because of Jake.

It took me by surprise when she told me she was dating him, but then one of our conversations hit me. I asked her what was her type. She said fun. At the time, that disappointed me. I don't think anyone has ever described me as fun but she had a lot to drink that night. So I took her home and let her sleep. I was channel surfing when I heard her call my name. I looked over at her. She was still asleep. I watched her as a little smile formed on her lips and she called my name again. That's when I knew my feelings couldn't be one sided. And I was right. She did have feelings for me back then.

So that made me believe she couldn't be serious with Jake. Jake was the definition of fun. He hopped from bed to bed, including her own roommate's. How could she take him seriously? I felt confident that when it came down to a choice, she would choose a real relationship with me.

I felt that way until Labor Day when she chased after him. The look on her face told me she was serious about him. Brandon didn't see it. He just heard the comment about Lily wanting to marry me. That's why he asked me not to start anything with her. But I saw the way she looked at him when EJ said it. I could see it when she left and even if I wanted to tell her my feelings, I wouldn't put her in that position to choose. Nor could I put myself through that rejection again if she didn't pick me.

So I let her go. I meant what I said about not wanting to be friends. I didn't. Not when I still had feelings for her. I couldn't. I knew I was being hurtful when I said that stuff about her being drama. I just needed her to back off until I could get my feelings under control.

I was ready to move on. Ready to finally be over her so I could have a chance with someone new. My dad's words kept playing over and over in my head. If I was honest with myself, my job, my son, it wasn't enough. I wanted to share my life with someone and not just pretending like before with Megan. I would put as much time and effort into my relationship as I did at my job. And not just expect things to work itself out like I did with Lily.

I learnt from my mistakes. That why I never worried about past mistakes. I never make them again.