Diary

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Diary- Alicia Keys

Sensitive subject matter. I know this is a spoiler, but please don't read if you are sensitive to miscarriages.

***FLASHBLACK***

September 2012

I finally felt like I was getting my shit together. My aunt Patricia was a big part of that. I felt more freedom and independence in the three weeks living with her than I ever felt living with my dad. She helped me purchase my first vehicle. A midnight blue Jetta I named Lady Kitana. I always loved her character on Mortal Kombat. She's fierce and sexy. A complete bad ass ninja, with a mix of seduction and violence. That was enough to make me wanna be like her growing up. Her story line told of how she spent centuries serving as an assassin to an evil Emperor stepfather. She eventually learned that she was kidnapped. She was actually a princess. Her whole life had been a lie. I related to that. And I felt like the name was perfect for my first huge step in being completely independent from my dad and brother.

I was looking at apartments too. My aunt told me I was free to stay with her as long as I liked. And I appreciated it. But as much as I did appreciate it, I didn't feel comfortable at her home. My mother was a huge elephant in the room that no one wanted to address. I figured when I had my own place, I would feel more comfortable questioning my past. Until then, it was extremely awkward.

Not to say Patricia didn't make me feel welcomed. She did. She introduced me to extended family. She was teaching me how to cook. And I didn't have to sneak food.

I slowed down on the junk and increased my workouts. My body thanked me profusely. The nausea faded away. I still ate fruit snacks. They reminded me of Ethan. And what we shared. And better times. But I knew in order to truly start my life anew, I had to let him go. And I was going to.

This particular night, I laid in bed, munching on gummy bears. When my stomach cramped, I took it as a sign to stop. I put the gummy bears away and rolled on to my side. I slept a dream-less sleep that night.

When I woke up, I felt wetness between my legs. I kicked off my covers. There was blood on my shorts. I looked down at the red stain, trying to remember my last period. Then It all clicked to me. My heart dropped all the way to my stomach, increasing the dull ache in my abdomen.

The light spotting, the nausea, the cramping, the last time I saw Ethan... it all came back to me. The realization of what was happening crashed down on me. And I screamed. A blood curling noise that sounded foreign to my own ears. The despair, anger, and guilt all erupted inside of me violently. And I screamed again, crying out loud.

Oh No. Please no. This can't be happening. Not to me...

That's how my aunt found me; pleading and crying. The rest was a blur. She got me up. Forced me to put on pants and a shirt. I remembered her praying out loud as she drove us to the hospital. And that hushed me. I haven't went to church since chapel in college. I always felt that even if the bible wasn't real, it was a good way to live your life. Her words brought me comfort. I cradled my stomach protectively. Even though something inside me knew it's was too late.

In the labor and delivery unit, they did an ultrasound. The technician's face stayed neutral, but I knew. The doctor came in to apologize. He used the term complete miscarriage and it hits me all over again. While he explained how I might still experience pregnancy symptoms, tears streamed down my face. I was so stupid. And selfish. I was so caught up in my depression, I missed all the obvious symptoms. And now my baby was gone. Our baby was gone...

By the time I got discharged and went back home, I was drained. I'd never been so exhausted in my life. Patricia must have told her daughter Bianca, cause she changed the sheets on my bed and asked me if I needed anything. I shook my head and climbed into bed. I figured I would fall asleep right away. But all I can think about was all the things I did wrong. The soda, the junk food, the alcohol, the obsessive work; everything I did to hurt my body. And hid the symptoms of my pregnancy. How could I not have known? I was inconsolable that entire day.

My aunt came in around 12pm with soup, toast and tea.

"Try to eat."

"I'm not hungry." I sobbed.

"I know. But you still need to eat. Your body just went through something traumatic. You know that. You need your strength." She said.

I sat up and sipped the tea. I don't care about my strength. I just wanted her to leave. I figured if I ate, she would go away.

"Lilian, is there someone I can call?" She asked.

I shook my head. Not my dad. Not my brother. Not Trevor. Not Rocky. And definitely not Ethan...

The thought of him brought more tears to my eyes. And I was bombarded with questions in my head. Should I tell him? Would he even want to know? Could he ever forgive me? Would he have wanted our baby?

"Ok, pumpkin. Just eat and I let you rest." She said. I did. I spooned the tomato soup into my mouth. It tasted thick and slimy. Afterwards, I shoved dry, rough pieces of toast down my throat. It was like eating sandpaper. I drank the tea to wash it down. When I finished, she took the dishes and left.

The rest of the day Patricia waited on me. I don't think I went an hour without her checking in on me. The thoughts became too much, and I asked for something to help me sleep. She returned with Tylenol PM. I took 2. And was finally able to sleep.

The next day, I was supposed to be at work. I got up and got ready like normal. My aunt was surprised to see me up and getting dressed.

"Lily, are you sure you're ready?" She asked me.

I nodded. "I can't stay in here forever."

"I know that. But we should talk." Patricia stated.

"About what? We both know what happened. Isn't it God's will or something?" I said, detachedly.

"No." She shook her head. I looked at her, surprised.

"God never intended for us to feel pain, get sick or die. So no, it's not God's will." She explained

"Well, regardless, staying home from work won't change things. I need to go." I said.

Patricia nodded and left me to get ready. I did, then I went to work. I was numb, the whole entire day. I focused on my patients. I worked through my lunch. I went to Patricia's home and pretended like everything was normal. It wasn't until the fourth day that my facade broke. I was driving through my aunt's neighborhood, heading to work and I saw a woman, walking her dog. She was noticeably pregnant with a big baby bump under her tank.

And all those emotions I tried to push away overwhelmed me. I knew I couldn't go to work. I can't fake it today. Tears already blurred my vision. I couldn't bear going back to that house. To that bed. To Bianca and Patricia's worried glances. I kept driving, till I reached my father's house.

I pulled up in the drive way. I hadn't even reached the door when my dad opened it. He just looked at me, worriedly.

"I'm sorry. You were right. I have an eating disorder. I don't need a doctor. I just need time to work it out. Please." I pleaded with him.

He nodded and let me in the house.

He arranged everything. He got me 2 weeks off work. I don't know how he did it, but I was grateful for his overbearing attitude. He stayed with me the entire time. I convinced him my 'eating disorder' was brought on by finding out about my mom.

 I didn't have to think about anything. My dad took care of everything. Except explaining to my aunt. I just wrote her a note, telling her thank you, but it was too hard for me living with her. My dad assumed that it was because of my mom. I agreed and he made sure my aunt got the note when he arranged for my thing to be brought back to the house. My aunt called me. She didn't bring up the miscarriage. She just told me that she was there if I needed her.


***PRESENT***

I did continue to talk to my aunt. But never bout my miscarriage. Until i was moving back to Dallas. I never talked to anyone else about it. Until Jake.

"I was pregnant..." I cried. That was the first time I said it out loud. And the gravity of the words crushed me. "I didn't even know until I lost my baby." All the pain and grief and guilt rushed back to me. I broke down in gut wrenching sobs. My knees buckled. Jake's arms around me were the only thing keeping me up.

I buried my head into Jake's chest, crying all over his shirt, but I was way too emotional to stop.

"Does he know?" Jake asked, softly.

I shook my head. "No. I don't want him to know. He doesn't need to know." I sobbed, as I trembled.

"I won't tell. Anything you tell me is between us, Carino." Jake said, holding me tighter.

He took me to his bedroom and laid us on his bed. He held me until my sobs subsided. And I drifted to sleep as he held me, locked in his arms.

I woke up a couple hours later. The bedroom was dark and I was lying on Jake's chest. I slid off and looked at him. He was on his tablet, but put it away.

"Hey Carino. Go back to sleep." He said, pulling me back into his arms. I resisted and sat up.

"I'm gonna head out. My brother's probably worried. I'm sure my phone is dead by now." I answered.

"It was. It's charging right now. Your brother has been calling-"

I winced.

"I just texted him back from your phone that I was going to take you to the airport. We're closer anyway." Jake explained.

I nodded. "Thanks."

"Do you need anything? Something to eat? Drink?" Jake asked concerned. I shook my head.

He laid us back down. This time, instead of laying in his arms, I turned my back to him.

He wrapped his arms around me anyway.

"Lily-" he started.

"I'm really tired Jake. Can we talk later?" I said, numb.

"Sure." He said.

I laid there, and closed my eyes tightly. I pushed my thoughts away. I thought about my relationships with Trevor, Rocky and Jake. It was upsetting to say the least, thinking about how complicated thing became in the past evening. But thinking about them is better than thinking about my baby.

Little things reminded me of my loss all the time. But for the most part, I am able to deal with it. Mother's Day and the month of March were the only things that were especially hard. I counted the weeks. My baby would have had a due date around March. But for the most part, I am always able to push those feelings away. I'm afraid now that I told Jake, I wouldn't be able to. That was one of the reasons I didn't keep regular contact with my aunt. It was easier to pretend like nothing happened when no one else knew. The world moved on. And I was able to as well.  But now that Jake knew, that changed everything. And I don't know if I can handle that change.

Jake cuddled closer to me. He stroked my hair, and whispered softly to me.

"Lo siento mucho. Tú eres la mujer más bella que he visto. Te necesito en mi vida y voy a hacer hasta lo imposible para que tu seas feliz"

His words gave me very little comfort. Some of them added to my worry. I can't help thinking about what my aunt told me when I told her I was moving back to Dallas.

"I know you think you have feelings for the man that got you pregnant. Maybe you do. But you can't be happy with anyone until you're happy by yourself."

I didn't know if I would ever be happy with myself. I didn't even know how to start. I pretended to be asleep until I was finally able to sleep.



Spanish to English 

"I'm so sorry. You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I need you in my life. I will do everything possible to make you happy."