Tired of Being Alone

"Tired of Being Alone"- Al Green

Monday morning, I was back to my routine of pretending like everything's ok. I had lunch with Jordan at work. She asked me if I was okay. She noticed I was off last week. That surprised me. I know I wasn't as cheerful and friendly with my patients, but I was professional. I wondered how she noticed. I just told her things didn't work out with Ethan. She said she was sorry to hear that and gave me encouraging words. I changed the subject by asking about her weekend. Talking about it just made me feel worse.

Tuesday, my off day, I woke up early and went for a run. My music and running gave me relief from my loneliness. Afterwards, I went home and showered. I changed into a tank top and pajama pants. I was surprised to see Rocky was still home, when I went to the kitchen to find something to eat. Normally, she would have left by now.

"What are you doing home?" I asked her.

"I called in. We are going to eat junk food and watch crappy TV and you are going to tell me what happened between you and Ethan." Rocky demanded.

"I'm guessing you already know." Fucking Brandon.

"Yes. And I'm overlooking the fact that not only did I have to learn about it from Brandon, but that you wanted him to keep it from me. Why didn't you want me to know?" Rocky asked.

"Cause, it's stupid. I shouldn't be this upset. We weren't even together." I said, looking down.

Rocky shook her head. "Just because you weren't together, doesn't mean your feelings for him aren't real. Just like his for you are real."

Tears formed in my eyes. "He doesn't have feelings for me anymore. I blew it." I cried.

She pulled me over to the couch and sat me down. "I don't believe that. I've seen the way he looks at you..."

"No. I waited too long. And now it's over. He's dating someone else." I sobbed.

"Maybe the timing is just not right..."

"It's been more than 2 years. If it was going to happen, it would have."

Rocky puts on The Real Housewives of Atlanta and heats up leftovers from the party. Over the TV, I tell her everything. From me and Ethan's kiss on Memorial Day to our brunch last weekend.

"Before we get into Ethan, are you and Cam ok?" Rocky asked.

"Getting there." I shrugged.

"I can't believe he kept that from you. That's so unfair." Rocky shook her head.

"It wasn't his secret to tell."

Rocky looked skeptical, but didn't say anything.

"Lily, I don't think you really told Ethan how you felt." Rocky started after a moment of silence.

"What do you mean? I asked him out."

"I know. But in his mind, you rejected him when he wanted to be in a relationship with you. He probably thought you wanted the same type of relationship as before."

"But he said even if he saw a real relationship with me, he's already invested time with Karen."

"They're not serious or he would have introduced her as his girlfriend. He hasn't even mentioned her to Brandon. I think before it does get serious, you need to tell him how you truly feel. And how you really felt back then."

I thought about it. "I don't know. Part of me just wants to be over it."

"I think you owe it to yourself to put it all out there, like he did for you." Rocky started. "But if you wanna be over it, let's wallow. Let yourself be sad. That's the way you'll get over it. A little at a time. Not by pretending like it didn't mean anything or that you're not hurt."

I nodded.

-----------

Brandon made it home around 3pm. He found us on the couch.

"I tried to keep it from her. She forced it out of me. You know how she is." He said, throwing his hands in the air.

I smiled. "Yeah, I do. I shoulda known you were no match."

Rocky rolled her eyes. "Please. I just threatened no sex. He was singing like a bird."

"Then she was singing like a bird when she gave it up" Brandon said, suggestively.

"Gross. I do not need to hear about y'alls sex life." I laughed.

"Alright. Mister. Move it on out. It's grieving time. We need to cry to some Al Green, then start talking shit about your brother." Rocky announced.

Brandon chuckled. "Ok. I'm just going to change my clothes. I'm meeting Jake at the mall."

"Why?" Rocky asked, narrowing her eyes at Brandon.

"Cause you just told me to get out. Cause I need to get EJ a birthday gift. Cause I'm grown and I want to. Take your pick." Brandon replied, walking to their bedroom.

Rocky looks ready to follow and throttle him.

"Pick your battles..." I reminded her. She still looks murderous. "Take a deep breath. They help my brother."

She does and by the time Brandon comes out, she's ok.

"Can we go too?" I asked Brandon. They both looked at me, surprised.

"What happened to the man haters club?" He asked.

I smiled. "Adjourned for the day. Besides, I think I'm going skip all the Ethan bashing and head straight to retail therapy." I explained.

"Sure. I'll call Jake and tell him we're going to be a little late so you can go get changed." Brandon answered, looking over my South Park pajama pants and white tank.

"Nope. I'm good. Let's go."

Rocky gave me a once over, but didn't say anything.

-------------------

When we arrived at the mall, Jake is already there waiting for us. He parked by the Macy's entrance. As we walked through Macy's, we split up so me and Rocky can check out the women's clothing. Rocky picked out some clothes for me and I tried them on. I found some cute dresses, shorts and blouses. They cost more than I would normally pay, but they look good and Rocky says they're a good deal, so I buy them.

Instead of heading inside the mall, I called Brandon to walk me back to his car so I can put my bags away. He agrees.

"I don't know why you're pushing Rocky's buttons, but cut it out." I said, simply, as we walked to his car.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. I don't care why you're doing it. I just need to know if you plan to stop. Cause she really is working on her attitude. But I'm going to tell her to let you have it if you continued to bait her." I said, putting my bags in the car.

I turned to look him straight in the eyes. Normally, I hated confrontations. But fuck with my family, and I'm a freaking lioness. And Rocky was my family, no matter what.

"Alright. You're right." Brandon sighed. "I really don't know why I do it."

"Maybe it's just genetic. Staying loyal to hoes and being asshole to girls that love you." I replied as we head back to the mall.

He blanched. "Damn, I thought you were skipping the Ethan bashing."

"I was. That was Carter bashing. Except for EJ." I said, with a teasing smile so he knows that I'm joking. Kinda.

At the mall, we start at game stores and Kids footlocker to buy EJ's gift. Rocky buys him Vans and Nike shoes and a couple outfits to match. Brandon buys him new games for his Wii. Brandon normally buys him gift cards, but he wanted to get EJ the best gift. He thought he accomplished that, buying two expensive games.

Brandon is slobbering all over Rocky on the outside of the hat store that Jake wants to go into. So I follow Jake. I'm glad Brandon took my advice, but geez, that didn't mean I wanted to see them exploring each other's tonsils.

When I explained this to Jake, he grimaced. "I don't need that mental image. "

"Neither do I. But there it is." I said, pointing to them outside the store.

"URGH. Why do couples think love makes that shit acceptable?"

I shrugged. "I wouldn't know."

When he's studying me, I clear my throat. "So what are you looking for?"

"A Rangers cap." He said, looking at the youth hat section.

"You know EJ's not a huge baseball fan. Or hat fan for that matter." I informed him.

"I know. I wasn't either till my first baseball game. I plan on using the hat to put the tickets to a game and Hurricane Harbor in it." Jake explained.

That surprised me. That was really thoughtful. Even if EJ didn't like watching baseball, I know he'll enjoy going to a a water park.

"Wow, I didn't take you for a 'kid' person." I said, reaching for a Texas Ranger hat. It was white with a red T on it.

He shook his head. "I'm not. I have a huge family. Tons of bad ass kids. Can't stand em. But I like EJ."

I smiled at that. He took the hat from me and put it back.

"What about you? Kids or Baseball fan?"

"Yes and yes. EJ is going to love the baseball game. I'm surprised you thought of that."

"Why?" He said, raising an eyebrow at me.

"I don't know. Sammy's type is typically more.... delinquent." I shrugged, picking out a blue cap with Rangers across it.

"I work in security. I keep the peace. That's the complete opposite of a delinquency."

"Whatever. You observe and report. Like the movie." I said, playfully.

He snorted. "Whatever back at ya. I'm commissioned. Meaning I carry a gun." he said.

"So?"

"So let me put that in a way you can understand..." He said, looking me over slowly, staring at my legs. My face heats up under his gaze "Respect my authority." he finished, mocking my South Park pants.

Any other time, an appropriate quote from South Park would have had me cracking up with laughter. It was really funny when I thought about it. But I'm embarrassed he got me so off guard by his blatant stare.

I look him over slowly too, trying to play it cool. I let my gaze rest on his crotch before looking up at him. He gives me a challenging smile.

"I don't see a gun." I said, cockily.

"You wouldn't. It's concealed. We can go outside and I can show it to you." He offered.

Before I could answer, Rocky and Brandon entered the store.

"Hey. What's the hold up? Found a gift yet?" Brandon asked.

"Yep." Jake answered, taking the blue hat from my hands.

Brandon laughed. "I got this. A hat. He doesn't even wear hats."

"He will at the Rangers game I'm taking him to." Jake added.

"Man!" Brandon exclaimed. "Let's trade gifts."

"Lily, you didn't get EJ anything." Rocky pointed out.

"Yeah I did. I got him a snow cone maker a few days ago. Just have to buy him some syrups at the store." I answered.

"Fuck both of y'all." Brandon said, shaking his head in defeat. We all laughed at him.


Do you think Lily should have told Ethan how she felt? Even though he's dating Karen? Which way do you get over a break up?