Hey Brother

"Hey Brother"- Avicii

Work kept me distracted all week. Part of me was over compensating for skipping my shift. Another reason was trying to keep my mind off my brother. Trevor's words kept eating at me. I knew I had to reach out to Cam soon. Darren, my last appointment of the day on Friday, actually came in early. I haven't heard back from his athletic trainer yet. I did talk to Derek about the arrangement. He asked me to let him see the email when the athletic trainer finally gets back to me. He then informed me that I can never change a patient schedule without consulting with him first, but since Christy has already complained about Darren, he'll run it through the "appropriate channels."

Feeling uneasy at being corrected, I run off my frustration on the treadmill at the end of the day. I have my music on, to try to drown out my thoughts. It works until my legs are begging me to stop. I turn down the speed, and walk it out.

After I caught my breath and my heart rate returned to normal, I'm no longer worried about the little lecture Derek gave me. My thoughts return to my brother. I stop walking and stretch. My work out over, I changed and went home. On the way, I called him.

Part of me is hoping to get his voicemail. But on the second ring, he picks up.

"Hey Lily." He said, obviously happy to hear from me

"Hey Cam." I replied, a little more relaxed at his tone. "I was calling to see if we can meet up some time. And talk. When you're free." I added.

"Yeah. I'm actually finishing up at work right now. We can meet up at that pho place you like. Or I can come over to your part of town if you don't mind waiting-"

"No. I mean, not today. I'm not really dressed for dinner. I just got off work." I answered, quickly. I wanted to get my thoughts together before we meet up. "I'm off this weekend. Anytime that's good for you."

"Ok. Dinner tomorrow? Around 5?" He offered.

"Yep. Sounds great." I said, ready to rush off the phone.

"Uh, Lily? The place by my job or do you want to meet somewhere else?" Cam asked.

"Oh, sorry. The pho place is great."

"Ok. See you tomorrow."

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I showed up at the small mom and pop restaurant 15 minutes before 5pm. I thought long and hard about what I was going to say, but nothing came together right. I figured I'd wing it and hoped the public place would discourage any more breakdowns from me. I went ahead and ordered us both pho noodles and spring rolls for Cam. We discovered this place when I suggested we meet there for lunch on Cam's break. Cam wasn't as adventurous with food as me. He preferred take out Chinese over Vietnamese food, but at least I could get him to try new foods, unlike Trevor. We didn't come here as often for lunch when Trevor started joining us.

Apparently, I wasn't the only one anxious to get this over with. I'm barely seated with our lemonades, when I see Cam walk in. He saw me and I stood as he walked my way. We greeted each other and he hugged me, awkwardly, before we both sat down.

I studied him for a moment. Before, I was so shocked and angry I didn't really noticed the change in his appearance. He looks more like our dad than I remembered. Same height, build, honey brown eyes, dark bronze skin, and chiseled facial features. The major difference was the tattoos Cam had hiding under his t-shirt on both his biceps. I'm used to seeing them covered, so I know that's not why he's resembling Dad all of sudden...

He cleared his throat, stopping my appraisal of him. "I just want to start by saying I should have told you the truth. I didn't because it was easier for me not to. And I know you don't just wanna hear I'm sorry. So I will answer any question I can to show you how sorry I am."

I sat and thought that over. Our food is delivered, but I'm not really interested in the food at the moment. I'm surprised he's willing to be so open with me. That's a first. I was prepared to go to battle with him to get some answers. I wanted to know why. I wanted to understand. I wanted to... just be normal.

"I don't have any question." I finally sighed.

He takes a breath, and exhales slowly before answering me. "I'm trying Lily. I really don't know what else I can do for you to forgive me."

"I don't wanna focus on the past. I just want to move forward." I said. When he looks at me warily, I continue.

"I don't understand. And I don't think there's anything you can say to make me understand it. But I know you would never want to hurt me. So I forgive you."

Now he's studying me quietly.

"Can we eat now? I'm starving." I smiled, nervously, not really comfortable with how reserved he was being.

He finally smiled back at me. "Please. I'm glad to see you're eating. Looks like you need to eat more."

"Wow...already telling me what to do?" I deadpanned.

When he takes another deep breath, I giggle. "I'm joking!" I exclaimed, before he gets upset.

"Too soon..." he muttered, taking a bite of his spring roll.

"I'm sorry. I had to. Everyone has been telling me how good I look." I smiled.

"You've always look good to me." He shrugged. "I guess what's important is how you feel."

"I feel awesome. I feel like I can gain 10 pounds and be okay."

"Are you still trying to lose weight?"

"Nope, just maintain."

"Good."

While eating, we catch up. I tell him about my job and how I'm going to be moving in with Sammy. He tells me about his new place that he shares with his girlfriend.

"So how did you meet?" I asked him, finishing my noodles. I knew of her. They had been dating for 8 months now, but had known each other for a while. They moved in together after 3 months, but I knew nothing about her. Just bits and pieces I put together from my dad and Trevor.

"She was my anger management counselor." He admitted. My eyes went wide. It finally clicked for me. He saw a therapist! That's the changes I've noticed. The calmness in his demeanor, his voice, and especially his eyes. That's why he reminded me so much of Dad. The rebellious, angry brother I was so used to was not in front of me.

"No fucking way! You saw a shrink? You're dating your shrink?!?!" I said, quietly, trying not to draw attention to us.

"Not really. Therapy didn't work for me. But that is how we met."

I tried to take this all in. "What made you decide to go to therapy?"

"Trevor didn't tell you?" He asked.

I shook my head. We had a don't ask don't tell policy about Cam when we weren't speaking.

"After I couldn't get you to move back to Dallas or away from dad, I kinda lost it. At work." Cam explained.

I gasped. I am so shocked. "Cam, I'm so sorry-"

"Don't. It wasn't your fault. This anger has been inside me for a long time. Even when I was a kid. I needed help dealing with everything. You remember Will?"

I nodded. He was the Air Force connection that owned the company Trevor worked for.

"He gave me a pass. But made me go to anger management. It didn't work for me. It just made me angrier." He shook his head. "I was such an asshole. I'm surprised Jenna didn't just throw me out. I ended up quitting anger management anyway. I was arguing with Will about it, ready to quit my job too. But he didn't let me. We just talked it out."

I nodded, not wanting him to stop.

"Will helped me see I needed help. But he also recognized that maybe therapy wouldn't work for me. So we just talked. And keep talking. Every week. About everything. You. Dad. My mom. It helped, getting it off my chest. I didn't realize how much I just...buried away.

Anyway, I started to work on my relationships. I even apologized to Jenna. She ended up sending me some tips to deal with my anger. And we just started talking through email and now we're living together." He finished.

I couldn't believe he was going through so much. And instead of being there for him, I was rejecting him in anger. "Cam. I'm so proud of you. I'm sorry I've been so difficult..." I choked up.

"Stop. I didn't expect our relationship to change overnight. Like I said, I'm willing to put in the work if you want to."

"I want to. Can I hug you? For real this time?"

He stands up quickly and I got up and hugged him tightly. He was never a hugger, just like our Dad, but his embrace makes me feel loved. And safe. I felt tears well up in my eyes. He sees them when he pulls away.

"Hey. None of that. We're supposed to be ok now." He said, as he led us out of the restaurant.

"I know..." I smiled through my tears. "I've just missed you so much."

"I've missed you too..." he started, as we stopped in front of my car. "Thats why I hate to jeopardize the peace between us, but I really need to say this." Cam said.

I looked up at him, concerned. "Okay..."

"I think...no, I know, you need help. Not only with dealing with our dad and your mom, but Perez too."

I shook my head. I didn't want to talk about him. Ever.

"I'm fine." I disagreed, keeping my face neutral.

"The fact that you think any of that was your fault, lets me know you're not. I wish you could talk to me about it, but I know I'm not at a place where I can handle the details. I don't know if I ever will be." He finished. I just looked away.

"Just think about it, ok?"

I nodded, and he hugged me. He checked his phone when it went off. "So, who gets to tell Trevor?" He asked, changing the subject.

"Was that him?" I asked. Cam nodded. Strange. I haven't heard from him at all this week.

"Let's not...why don't we just go to lunch next week?" I smiled.